AAAAA American Association Against Acronym Abuse Advise is cheap! … supply always exceeds demand. Answers Cost $.50 Answers that require thought $1.00 Right answers $100.00 Dumb looks are free! Another day's useless energy spent. - Moody Blues, Nights in White Satin Any minute now I'll jump in with pointless observations Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination. - Mark Twain Are you a bad side effect of my medication? Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. At 20 years of age the WILL reigns, at 30 the WIT, and at 40 the JUDGEMENT. - Benjamin Franklin At my age, getting lucky is finding my car in the parking lot. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Be nice or I'll have to talk about you when I'm on Oprah! The beaten path is the safest, but the traffic is terrible. - Jeff Taylor (founder of Monster.com) Better to get forgiveness than permission Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: -A billion seconds ago it was 1960. -A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive -A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. -A billion dollars only lasts 5 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends it. Boldly going nowhere! By the time I could talk … I was ordered to listen. - Cat Stevens By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. A cluttered desk is a sign of genius. A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind. Careful or you'll end up in my novel. Careful or I'll be complaining about you on Oprah. Children is the gift God gives you, then he steps back and laughs. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. - Peter Ustinov Danger: Men thinking Dangerously Overeducated Dear Dorothy, Hate Oz!! Took the shoes! Find your own way home!!!! -- Toto Desperately Searching For My Next Enabler DNA is life … the rest is just matter. Do you realize that in forty years we will have a bunch of old ladies with tattoos and the RAP will be playing on the Golden Oldies station.  There is already a bunch of Grandma Tiffany's and Grandma Heather's.  Soon we will have Grandma Moesha's, and Grandma Shaquanda's. Don't get your knickers in a twist. Don't get your tinsel in a tangle. Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself. Don't let your mind wander … it's too small to be out on it's own. Don't like my attitude Don't make me call out the flying monkeys! - Wizard of Oz reference Don't make me go all NINJA on you! Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz Empty Promises, Calculated Betrayal, Sociopathic Greed, Just Another Monday Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. A female president would be a good idea if you wanted the country to be run right for some reason. Fred Astaire was great, but Ginger Rogers did everything he did, backwards, and in high heels. Future benefits result from hard work Laziness has immediate results today. Give a man an inch and he'll think he's a ruler. Go the distance! God blesses this house but he doesn't clean it. God has a plan for us all; the devil has better perks. Good morning, let the stress begin. Good Morning! This is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I don't want you to worry; so have a good day!! Got my coffee, Got my junk food, Got my computer, and took my prozak; this should be a great day! Happiness is… having a large, loving, close knit family, in another state! Having a bad hair day??? He had delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson He isn't on his way anywhere, hasn't been for years. - Father Goose (movie) Hukt awn fonix wurkt fur mee! I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. - Pirates of the Caribbean I am soooo not listening. I child proofed my home, but somehow they keep getting in! I did the math and I'm still confused. I didn't order this/that! I do not exercise because it would make my coffee spill. I don't do mornings I don't need your insults… I get them at home. I don't remember anyone saying, "Gee, that sounds like a great idea, but let's run it passed a 15 year old first." I had some words with my wife - she had some paragraphs with me! I hate those construction barrels; they keep getting stuck under my car. I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two men are called a law firm, and that three or more are called a congress. - John Adams in the musical 1776 I haven't been quite right since they took my blankie away. I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on a disk somewhere! I just want to know who keeps hiding my glasses and my car keys? I need a life couch … life is just not working for me. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are; eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. --- Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day. I take life with a grain of salt… A wedge of lime and a shot of Tequila. I used to care but I take a pill for that now. I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilized music in the world. - Peter Ustinov I wasn't born a princess, but if the Tiara fits? I'd love to help you out! Which way did you come in?! I'll give you something to talk about. I'll try to be nicer … if you try to be smarter. I'm a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll world. I'm going to have a heart attack and die from that surprise! - Iago, from Disney's Aladdin I'm not a NAG , , , I'm a motivational speaker! I'm not always right … but I'm NEVER wrong I'm not anti-social … I'm just not user friendly. I'm not Bossy; I just know what everyone should be doing. I'm not driving badly … I'm just multi tasking. I'm not in denial! I'm Right! He's Wrong! End of Story!!! I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. - Mitch Hedberg I'm so far behind; I won't be able to die for another 100 years. I'm up and dressed, what more do you want? I've got vision, and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals. - Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid I've got more issues than a magazine. I've never felt any better glued together. I've stopped listening … Why haven't you stopped talking?? If common sense is so common, why is there so little of it? - Mark Twain If I can't fix it … it must NOT be broken! If the speed of sound is 1,130 feet per second, then what is the speed of silence? If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done. - Peter Ustinov If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research! - Albert Einstein If you are taking a road trip remember - It's not the destination but the journey with screaming kids in the back that will drive you crazy. If you need me I'll be right here on my pedistal! If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. If I had only listened to what my mother tried to tell me all those years ago!! Why, What did she tell you? I don't know!! I didn't listen!!! - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy If you are grouchy, irritable, annoying, or just plain mean, there will be a $10 charge given to those who have to put up with you. In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. - Yogi Berra Insanity is inherited - you get it from your children. Insufficient memory at this time. It is what it is. (Unless, of course, it isn't) It takes a village … to keep an eye on my kids / to keep my kids in line. It took way more than a village to raise this kid! It's not nagging when I'm ALWAYS RIGHT. It's not the weekend unless there's conflict! It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future. - Yogi Berra The JOYS of parenthood? (or is that an oxi-moron) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. Just a few clowns short of a circus. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. Keep filling that cake/pie hole. Learn from the mistakes of others.  Trust me… you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.  I've tried!! Let's hope intelligent life exists in space. I'm so lonely here. Life is tough, but it's tougher when your stupid. Life's not fair … get used to it. A legend in his own mind. Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. My doctor says I'm in the first stages of Fossilization. National Sarcastic Society - like we really need your support! Never go to bed mad. Stay a wake to plot your revenge!! Never miss a good chance to SHUT UP! Nobody notices what I do … until I don't do it. Normal around here is just a setting on the dryer. Not Perfect … but so close it scares me. Obey Gravity - It's the LAW! One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. - Ann Landers Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Optimist: The glass is HALF full! Pessimist: The glass is HALF empty! Engineer: The glass is TWICE the size it needs to be! People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. - David H. Comins Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself. Please Go Fascinate Someone Else! PMS means purchase more shoes. The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. - Ann Landers Professional Critic Sanity is on back order… Sarcasm is in unlimited supply. Sarcasm: just one more service I render. Speak the truth but leave immediately afterward. A simple way to measure of a country is to look at how many want in … and how many want out. - Tony Blair (b. 1953 Prime Minister of England) Slightly used, but in good condition Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some hire PR officers. - Daniel J. Boorstin Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde Some day my ship will come in. I'm sure I'll be waiting at the airport. Some days are a total waste of makeup. Some days you are the top dog and other days you're the hydrant. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge… others just gargle Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. - George Carlin Some see the glass as half empty; others see the glass as half full. I just want to know who is drinking my drink/beer?! Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. SS-DD → same stuff [usually an (sh…) expletive] different day SD- DS → same day - different stuff A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of. - Burt Bacharach Tell us what you really think! There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist - Mark Twain There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed This job is a test. It is only a test. Had It been an actual job, you would have received bonuses, raises, and promotions. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Today, I have NOT gossiped, yelled, been greedy, selfish, or self indulgent. I have NOT whined, complained, moaned, or binged on chocolate or junk food. I am going to get out of bed now Lord, and I will need a lot of your help to get through the day! Too much month at the end of the money Too much time on my hands. The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. Use the best: Linux for servers * Mac for graphics * Palm for mobility * Windows for solitaire Was your head with you all day today? - Bill Cosby We can't all be heroes… Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as the parade goes by. - Will Rogers We're all quite mad here… you'll fit right in. We're off like a herd of turtle. Well, aren't we just a stinkin' ray of sunshine! Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. What a day/month/year I am having! What's it to ya? The What's it to Ya Chorus, by Bob Rivers, a parody of The Hallelujah Chorus, is one of the funniest things I've ever heard.  Too bad I can't (legally) offer you a free download. What ever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed! What part of Y'all Don't you Understand?? What Washington needs is adult supervision. - Barack Obama What we need is a patch for human stupidity. What WERE you thinking/smoking??? When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, It's a wonder I can think at all. - Paul Simon Kodachrome When I want your opinion … I will give it to you. When I want your opinion … I'll rattle your cage. When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra Whoop the fricken do! A mix of whoop-di-do and who cares. I first saw this on a satirical birthday card. "Ok, it's your birthday. Whoop the fricken do." Why be only difficult, with a little effort you can be impossible. Windows Tech Support: 1) Restart Program 2) Reboot computer 3) Reinstall Windows 4) Buy a new computer 5) Install Linux! Working hard, or hardly working? (man lying on the couch or hammock) The world would be a better place were there not so many people striving to improve it. - Olavo de Carvalho Ya Think?!?!?! Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill You can agree with me or you can be wrong! You don't have to say that I am right, it is enough to say that I have spoken. - Alain Abbate You must understand … there are some things that you will NEVER understand. You've got to be kidding! Your credit score: Those three little numbers … can have a six-digit impact on your life. - Phil Tirone, an expert in residential home financing